Why the Why Question is so powerful and Why we nevertheless need to be careful to pick the right time to use it
Why the Why Question is so powerful and Why we nevertheless need to be careful to pick the right time to use it
Throughout my life, I don’t recall how many why questions I have asked.
Why do I behave the way I do behave?
Why am I unable to tell those very few guys that I fall in love with how much I adore them without seeming to be needy, weird, overbearing or outright clingy?
Why are we working with our clients in that way and not aother way?
Why are the houses in my street ugly and have so little color?
Why do I have to do that?
Why is this person acting that way and not another way?
Why are the flowers in my apartment not developing as well as the flowers in someone elses apartment?
Why, why, why…
These questions give me more insights, more knowledge, more clarilty. They help me to dig deeper and better understand how the world and society works.
With them I go deeper and deeper to the root cause of things - Why is that? - Waiting for an answer - Why? - Waiting for an answer a layer deeper - Why? - Waiting for an answer a layer deeper? —- and so on. The more I asked why, the more I ended up understanding the deeply-rooted foundations of why we make specific decisions, why we ended up with viewing the world in a specific way and why some things are not explainable by logica and asking why in any way of sense and logic.
But is why really a good question to ask?
Yes, I believe, WHY is a powerful question. Just remember Simon Sinek and his famous “Start with Why” concept, that did not only led to a best-selling book, but a movement of people and companies asking WHY first, and then anything else after.
With WHY, we moved into new spheres of purpose, of understanding, of root causes of why we act specific ways, do specific things and feel specific emotions.
But what do we do then? And what if we ask WHY too excessively?
What if the root cause is not always what we should be looking for?
I pondered those why questions as much I can think of.
But what about a WHY question like:
Why do I behave the way I do?
Why does this person behave as he/she does?
Does pondering about that question bring me any new insights above a certain threshold?
Isn’t at one point the why a question that I need to find a reason, but what if there is no reason that can be rationally explained? And what if the answer of WHY leads to an answer of : “I don’t know!” or '“It just happened”, “It was a fleeting moment of time decision”?
What does WHY give us then? Isn’t the answer we receive from asking WHY then not only the rational mind’s trial to find an answer that seems to make sense rationally, but that originally happened out of a completely different reason?
Let’s take an example.
What if I am invited to a famous entrepreneurial program, a once in a lifetime opportunity?
I am invited to that program and for all on-paper reasons the only option should be to say: yes, I am in. But my body gives me a hunch of saying: no, not really.
When I am asking Why to myself in that situation, my rational mind starts to ponder the question of WHY: why does my body say no, why does my rational mind say yes.
And I start to make an elaborate Pro and Con list. I write down every argument that I can find, that may explain why that may be a pro and a con. And I end up with a beautiful list. When I constructed my list, I can go deeper and ask, why did I put these different elements on the pro and con sides, are there rightfully there? Why did I put them there? And I end up at layer 2 and 3 and forth and more within that list.
In the end of my carefully crafted WHY-inquired list, I have a bunch of arguments laying down on both sides for me to decide which side to take. And I can tell you, from that list and my own experience, rationally it would have been a yes - that great opportunity, the time I have, the people I would meet. But on the other hand, there would be fear, anxiety, unclearness, messiness. Because how do you valuably and accurately describe a feeling, a hunch that is coming from nowhere despite our bodies? An entity even though it is ours do not fully understand, and that is often more irrational that we would love it to act.
The rational mind and rational argument often wins with these pro and con lists.
And yet, the value we put on our body and its decisions often plays a significant part i how we make decisions - with many, me included, believing that it holds a truth in itself, that rational thoughts can never explain.
So in the end we may decide on the bodily hunch to not take part in the program, even though all lists and thoughts and decision criteria put forth the other direction as the better one.
What did it help us to ask why in that decision?
Basically nothing. We asked why and why repetedly. We ended up at some root causes of our decisions. But in the end, we still decided differently.
So we could ask ourselves, why would we need to do all that process for nothing but a hunch that occured to us in the first place? And that is a valid question. A wise one as well.
Because what did we gain during that process?
A bunch of new questions to be answered at some point in the future
A long time of thinking even though we knew the answer anyways
An overly strong focus on rational thoughts not allowing our intuition to play a part as well
Time and time and time again. And a way of keeping us from trusting ourselvs and just deciding instead of running errands in our mind.
But does that mean that we should never ask any questions? Any why questions?
No, of course not. Why questions are extremely powerful. But we should use them in the right situations. In those where there are options for us to improve upon a process, an idea, a connection. When we realize things are not going or moving in the right direction.
Then why questions can be particularly useful, even though they are often tough to ask and sometimes it is better to mentally and emotionally prepare us to ask them.
Why is the project not turning out as it was supposed to be?
Why does not only one person, but two people, three turn their back to me?
Why does the strategy I chose to work with my clients does not work out and they want to cancell the contract even though they said they would expand it?
Why do I change subjects often and drive myself crazy with it?
The answers to all these questions might surprise us, hurt us, lighten us up. And give us new perspectives we can then act upon to improve the project outcome, our connections, the strategies we choose when working with clients and our own career paths.
For those questions, they are beautifully helpful. Not so much though when we ask “why do I decide for that one direction and not for the other?” This can lead us to feel anaysis paralysis and doubting our own decisions. Doing that too often may lead us to value ourselves less, feeling less self-esteem and hijacking our own decisions and directions we take in life.
it is fine line to decide whether a WHY question helps us to grow and develop or whether it turns us into a self-anxious, paralized wreckship that is unable to move forward in life and circles around itself too much.
What to do about it?
Being aware of it is always a great first step. Being aware that WHY might not always be the best question to ask. Especially when you are making a decision on your next move.
In these situations it is better to simply listen to your hunches, to the little soft voices within yourself that guide you in one direction or the other. Go with that first hunc. Follow your intuition and the spark in your eyes, mind and body. As integrated the three are, the better in these decisions.
But when things do not turn out as you expect them to turn out, when you want to understand something at a deep level (and have some time to do so), when a project is in danger to fail or patterns emerge that repeat themselves more than you like them to be repeated, then it is time to turn to the WHY question.
But don’t get stuck in the WHY. Better ask WHY in one sip, one take within multiple layers and then stop. You find some root causes or new perspecties and it is time to act upon them. Otherwise you have a different WHY problem - you end up obsessing on WHY - did I really found the root of the root of the roots for that problem or dilemma? This will feel you paralzed as well.
Ask your WHYs. Use a mental stop sign to finish your WHY inquiry after a pre-defined time (like i.e. 20 minutes) and add some other questions to it:
What are the strategies to act upon that new piece of information?
How can I change that situation? How can I do it differently the next time?
What if I would try something else the next time?
Move from asking into action. Into trying out and experimenting and learning through getting into action.
These questions don’t keep you in that mourning, resarching you that does not find a way out, but bring you into actively changing what is bothering you, actively seeking knowledge that give you a new idea or strategy to act upon and a new outlook on the situation at hand.
Equipped with these strong and powerful action questions, you can then bring change to whatever you inquired about. Change in a direction that better fits your needs and aspirations.
With that I invite you to ask yourself questions. They bring clarity and drive, motivation and power. And while you do that, take into account that not all questions are equally important in each of the situations you face. But whatever is bothering you or excites you, start with a question and take it from there. It is often the best way to find an answer and a positive way in the right direction.