The case of our honest hunches and why they are the only way to truly live life

When you look back at your life, what are those things that you regret most? That you are most unhappy about? That feel the most frustrating? Are these situations? Moments? When someone turns around and moves away that you like? When you are in an argumentative situation with a good friend and you do not seem to find a way out? Or is it in moments when you know you wanted to say something, you had a feeling, an idea, a resistance within yourself and you did not follow it?

When I pondered that question, I realized that those moments where I felt the worst afterwards, where not the ones that were difficult, that were stressful, that were painful by themself, but those where I have not been honest to myself, where I followed a piece of advice that popped up in my head and said “Oh, you cannot say that, that is not correct in such a situation”, “oh, better not, this person won’t like it!”, “oh no, don’t do that, you will never get a job again” or whatever may come up.

In those situation where I restricted myself, where I kept myself small, where I depressed my feelings, in those moments did I feel the worst. And I realized that I did not only feel worse, but it costs me many hours of my life running into directions and doing things that I felt where not meant for me in the first place.

Herman Hesse once said (I translated that into English):

All things that one does against one’s feelings and one’s inner being, for the sake of others, are not good and must sooner or later be paid for dearly.

And he is damn right.

How I realized that I acted against my own feelings?

It took me a while to see it. To entangle what was going on within me, how I interacted with people and how I made decisions.

But let’s look at a situation in which I acted against my inner feeling so to make it a bit more tangible.

The program for upcoming women entrepreneurs

Roughly a year ago, I saw an exciting program for women entrepreneurs online. I applied and nothing happened. I forgot about it. In spring, they reached out and asked me whether I would like to participate in the program. I had no idea of what that was, or if that would be beneficial for me, but I had a hunch of a feeling within that said: “I am not sure if that is the right time right now, I don’t think so”. But then I thought: “Ah, come on, maybe this will be great, be open, you will meet great people, you will have a great time, you will be able to show that you participated in that program”. You can imagine what happened, I had a first call with them. Still, I wasn’t fully into it. And again that soft hunch of a feeling whispered: “I am not sure. Hmm.. “. But ignored it. I told myself that it will be beneficial, and it is a great opportunity, and I will for sure learn a lot.

Then I told friends about it. They got excited about it. They told me about what a great opportunity it is and how I can benefit from it and — besides — would they tell me — “I think it is good if you get some new perspectives”.

At that point I forgot my whispering soft voice. It seemed like a great idea and I went through all the interviews and became part of the program.

But I only attended sporadically. I was not fully into it. But hey “now you got in, value that now, please”, did I tell myself and friends asked me about it and got excited and told me about this great opportunity that I got in.

But I felt nothing. No excitement. No anxiousness. No fear. If I felt something, it was resistance. Something was off.

I was supposed to go to Spain to spend a month there with other women, get mentorship and more. But it did not feel good.

In the end, I did not fly over. I cancelled the trip a day before the flight. And I learned a valuable lesson. Hours and hours of interviews, training lessons that I only partially and half-heartedly took part in, the process of decision making that I pushed out without realizing for most of the process, the hours that I was invested in that program, that I felt something was off in my life but could not grasp what it was. All of these hours simply because I did not listen to my first inner feeling of “no, that is not for me not now and not in that moment”. My inner hunch told me what it needed, but I failed to listen.

I can think of many more of those situations, where I had an initial hunch, this soft, whispering voice that came from deep within. It gave me the signal of “I like it” or “I don’t like it”. But it was on me to follow that voice or to ignore it. And in the past I often ignored that voice. I would not even hear it. I would not even be aware that there are different voices from within: this soft voice and the thoughts, loud and demanding. And the loud and demanding thoughts won most of the time. They would try to make sense, they would try to thing rationally about what I should do.

But often I would get caught up into that rational back and forth of decision making, that in the end I would get completely lost in them with no clear choice to be made. Why? Because even when I heard and recognized that initial hunch, I would have forgotten it at the time of my mind running analyses and looking at the situation from all possible angles, mixing this with emotions attached to past experiences, current situations, fear and anxiety, and I had the perfect mix of being completely lost in the see of options and pros and cons.

Then I would often turn to friends, turn to the internet, turn to articles, turn to blogs to try to find a way of how to handle “that situation”. And I would follow some guidelines, some ideas, some “this is how you do things” structures and advice.

It always backfired. Small and big. In any way possible. I lost friends I deeply cared about. I gained friends, I did not care about. I accepted job offers, that gave me a cringy weird hunch the moment after the first interview, and that I quit soon after, I played it safed and did hide my true longings and needs and excitements, I spent hours over hours arguing and running errands and analyses and debates in my head back and forth and sideways to make a “perfect” decision, which often was that perfect after all, I felt unhappy without being able to tell why, and I felt stressed without understanding why.

How can we solve this dilemma?

Do we even need to solve it? This question is a mind-based question. It is about solving something that is us. But I wanted to bring it up to share how much I made decisions with my mind and how much I realized that this is not what brings me closer to anything I care about.

I realized that the only thing I can do is to listen to that inner voice. That hunch, this sentiment, this initial feeling sense that pops up when a situation or decision or whatever it may be enters my consciousness and asks for a response.

This is damn hard. There is so much noise around us, so many voices, so much going on that we often miss that voice. That it feels like digging through the jungle of thoughts, advice, guidelines, frameworks and sense-making until we are able to hear what is within.

But through practice it is possible to find that voice. And to listen to it. And to trust it, even if the choices that we have to make based on these hunches are often not rational, not common sense, not easy and comfortable. But it is a choice. The choice to follow some external advice, content, guidelines and more or the choice to follow that voice within with all its consequences.

Following our own inner voice is like embracing the unknown, embracing the irrationality, embracing the chaos, embracing all there is within, even if it “doesn’t make sense” to our rational mind or the voices that we hear in the external world.

How can we grow that inner voice?

For one thing, by listening to our inner voice. But also by listening to our mind and realizing when it is ruminating, when it is trying to make a decision for us. I started to realize that whenever I rationally try to explain what I do to others, I run into my “sensemaking” brain that is trying to make “sense of it all”. It would find beautiful answers, rational answers, long explanations, all super structured and fully analyzed. A beautiful mind. But not for deciding what I do with my life.

Whenever I realize that my brain takes over to explain my life or when it runs into “sensemaking” an planning, I appreciate its power, it’s thoughtfulness and it’s caring for me and then bring my attention back to the moment I am in in that moment. Not an easy task, it takes me deliberate practice, and a practice that never stops. But the more I do it, the better am I able to hold my attention, and even more important, the more I am able to feel and listen and care for the hunches that pop up within that give me a direction and a path to follow. My path. Wherever it may lead me. But one thing for sure — into the unknown, uncertainty and beauty of the world.

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You liked what you read? Then I would be happy to learn about your experiences with that inner soft voice. Do you feel it? How do you feel it? How do you know? What do you do with it? How does it impact your life?

And have a wonderful day today! :)