I am tired. Deeply tired And I have not yet found the reason for it. Yesterday it started. I met a friend for lunch and it was a fun and beautiful meeting. I learned about his new job, the challenges and opportunities he faces and how he got it. I ate a Vietnamese sandwich and a Pork Bun and was content. But then I went home and tried to figure out which of my clothing I will take with me to New York and which ones I won’t. Some days earlier this process was easy, I got excited, I had a clear idea of what I want to take with me and what I don’t. But now it was about the fine-tuning. What fits into my suitcase? What do I take with me and what has to stay here. The excitement I felt beforehand had vanished and I could not think straight anymore. What felt amazing some days ago moved into a state of unclearness and confusion.
I decided to not continue that activity and instead sit on my computer and work on my new book. But while I was looking at the screen, my mind was tired. Deeply tired. I could not grasp a page, neither could I get myself to work. I was tired. I was yawning. Something was not working.
I felt that to be odd. I am normally that person that has an abundance of energy. It is very rare that I take a nap during the day, I sleep rather short and I can always re-motivate and re-energize myself. Not so yesterday. I was simply damn tired.
I should have gone to bed, but instead did I started to watch movies. I watched the Da Vinci Code, Illuminati and some shorter videos. I felt I needed it. My back was hurting and I did not feel good. Maybe I am getting sick did I tell myself?
At midnight I went to bed. And today? I wake up and was tired again. I had a great day, further working on making my move, but again, I am simply tired. I am yawning. I feel warm and hot and not good.
Now I am writing, because I love writing and I love my energy, I want to have more of it. But at the same time I feel tired.
And I wonder? What is it? How can I move out of that tiredness? I have not yet found a solution, but I will likely write about it soon.
But I figured out one thing: if it is the case that you are that tired, give in and do something that is doing you good. Pushing against it will more likely make it worse than you anticipated and won’t help whatever you work on neither. Relax, come down and when you feel better, you can — with more energy — get back to your normal state of doing and being.
10 minutes later. It got worse.
10 minutes later and the feeling of tiredness got worse. I was standing in front of the mirror and had the feeling that my body was noth healthy anymore. One side was feeling larger than the other. I felt that the right side of my thyroid was larger than the other side. “Oh god, what if that is something bad?” did I tell myself. I felt sick in my stomach, like it was weirdly empty, as if I would lose my body in the moment of walking, I felt having problems with breathing and the blood in my left foot was pulsating. “Oh, I am not feeling good. Maybe my thyroid went out of control and is now eating me alive!” did I tell myself. I felt like not getting any air, I felt even more sick and panic arose. I felt like falling apart or something would happen to me soon. And something that was not pleasant. I even thought about how I could call an ambulance in case it would get worse.
And then… one part of me remembered a long time ago. “Hey, maybe that is a panic attack?” did I ask myself. I did not have one since ages, several years ago I had some. But now, years later, it felt odd. Why does it pop up now? In a moment where I feel good? Where I am making considerable changes? Is it that? Changes that my mind is not prepared for? Or changes that I decide for even though my mind is not too excited about it and fears something bad is happening to me?
I remembered that there was a strategy that I found those years ago that helped me to alleviate this particular feeling — whatever it may be. Going out, going out there, where there are people, feeling and resonating through the activity outside, having my attention being resonated through the people moving around the street and shops and action.
I decided to go out to calm down and figure out if that was a real medical emergency or a state of “I need to calm down” and my mind is creating horror scenarios that I react to with all these emotions and bodily sensations?
Once I was outside, I already felt better. The fresh air gave me a wind of change figuratively. The people on the street calmed me down. I simply walked. And walked and walked more. Undecided first, I went to a shop to buy me a “Zimtschnecke” — in English that is a cinnamon roll. They are yummy and I decided let’s eat something I truly like. Me biting into the roll while further walking was relaxing. The muscles in my body calmed down and became less stiff. Then a friend called me and we started talking. My first laughter was accompanied by a thought of — “hey, I can laugh, or is that just an odd laughter, some underlying panic and problem still being there?”. The next story, the next laughter and I forgot about my current state. I immersed myself in the call and all that was relevant was that call.
I felt better afterwards. I felt warmer. I was more calm. Was it over? Not yet. But I felt less shaky within myself, less prone to feel that feeling a second later again. That gave me a bit of confidence that I would be able to calm it down further. I went to a supermarket and bought mangos, I walked further, now also on streets that were more empty. The walking, again, helped me and helped me to let go of what was catching me so much. It was good. Then I went into a book shop and read books, explored them and I enjoyed it.
Now, I am back home. Sitting on my computer and writing the last lines of this article here. I am tired, but less tired than I was when starting to write that article three hours ago. I gained back some of my energy. And I am not feeling like another whatever comes up. This is a good sign. And I repeat what I found out about my tiredness. Don’t try to ignore it. Take it on, listen to it. It wants to tell you something. And help your body and mind to recover. For me, walking and being outside is helping very well. For you it may be the same or something else. Experiment with it and try it out.
One note though, if that is a medical emergency, react fast. So if you are not sure, better trust them. Or a professional. But when you figured out it may be a panic attack or a weird emotional and mental whatever that you cannot describe well but you know you are not doing good and feeling well and losing a bit of touch of reality, then acknowledge these feelings, let them happen and find a way to be in an environment that treats you well to be able to let go and and come back to your inner stability and strength.
And don’t be too hard on yourself. If that does not work out the first time or the second, ask for help. It took me several ones of those emotions back then before figuring out what helps me. And that is all fine. the importance is that you find those strategies that work for you best. So that whenever you feel a slight moment of panic, you know what is going on, you do {…..}- fill in what helps you best-, you feel better shortly after, and you can go back to whatever you did before it happened.