I always started new. “Oh, I don’t like that field anymore, I want to work in a new one”, did I tell myself. And then I would make a 180 degree switch and start something new. I went from Headhunting to Management Consulting, from Innovation and Ideation to PhD Research, from Entrepreneurship to Client Management. I tried it all. These were great experiences, but they missed one important piece: connection. Connection within and connection between.
I always started new
There was no connection. No building upon. It was “starting new”. When I stopped headhunting, I would wipe my experiences off and say. Stop. You learned that. You know how it goes. But now a new chapter starts, so you will start over. That would be all good. But I did not stop there. I would tell myself “This headhunting stuff? Ähh.. I really did not like it, that wasn’t for me. I really dislike it”. As if I would need to convince me that the old was not relevant. As if the old was not me. As if the old was some weird stupid category I did not wanted to belong to anymore.
But stop! Isn’t that weird? All these experiences, all these moments, I convinced my self that they are not necessary anymore, that they don’t matter, that I must have chosen wrongly in the past. And I would change. I would start to take on another role. I would incorporate that othe role. That was me now. So I would act like that role, and I would have goals in that new sphere. And that would be my new reality, just there, in that moment.
You can image. That did not go well. Soon after I took that new role, I wondered. “Is that the place, I want to be in? Is that me? Who am I, really? Does that fit me and my personality?” And I would question it all again. Maybe that wasn’t good for me. Maybe that was not me. Let’s explore what else there is that is more like me.
And I would go and try to figure that out. And again, soon after, it was time to take another leap of faith. Maybe that thingy, that role, that wold be the right one for me. Now, finally, I may have found what I was looking for.
And again, it failed. I loved the newness of the field, I loved learning and experiencing, but after a while, my head would try to make sense of it all. And what it found, it often did not like. And it would turn around and try something anew.
But what if there is another way?
What if that is ridiculous? A fantasy of my brain? A brain that wants to make sense? That wants to tell a story so pure and straight that it can wallow in it from head to toe? The brain that was looking for immersion and full and 100% matching between a job and a person. How is that even possible? Well, it is not. How can it be? A person is a subject, a breathing and living person, a job is a title, is a role, is a set of responsiblities and tasks. How can these two be combined into a synergetic concept? If they are, then a person becomes an object, not the subject, the human being.
I realized that I made up stories, and senses and understandings. Stories of recreation. Stories of the new being. And stories to run away from what was bothering me. I would sit there and say: “ I don’t like it, I realized I want something else” and I would run, far away. So that I could start anew. And then I would do and start anew. And after a while? I would sense the weirdness of immersing into a role. It felt like I commit to it, but how can I committ to it 100% when there is so much else out there in the world?
But what if a job committment is not a human committment?
What if the job I commit to in that moment is not a prison I am part of for the rest of my life? What if it is a temporary responsibility I take on to learn more, do something I lofe and earn money doing so, gain experience, spend time with people I find amazing, work with clients that excite me, spend time solving problems I love solving? What if a job is just that. It gives me something I love to have and in return I get money for what i do. Then I detach that job from my life. Then it is not me and the job equals life anymore, but me is me and stays me, but that is a project I take on. A project that can take one day or 30 years, and that project I simply love and it gives me so much, that I want to stay longer and longer. And then, when the project is done, I am still I, I did not get effected in any way, but this project comes to an end.
Would this not take all this pressure off? The weird thing of one world, another world, a third world and a fourth? Would this not allow me to be more relaxed when chosing which project to choose next?
And then there would not need to be 180 Degree switches from job to job. It may still happen, but for other reasons. For the reason of simply wanting to take on the next project. But without diminishing what was, not ignoring all there had been going on, but acknowledging that that was a lot, exciting, interesting and real. Because at one point in time I found it as exciting as running away from it. But now, I can take it all in, I can fully immerse. As a person, but without giving myself up. Without blending myelf in and seeing myself as their extension. No. I stay I and with that new clear look from the distance can I fully immerse in the project and work I do. Knowing that I committed, that I chose, that I wanted, that I cared. And that, when hard times come, I have the strength to look at it with care, and decide, clear and calm: is that project still ok or is it time to move on.
And then? Then the project becomes a strength. A beauty in what I experienced, a bag full of goodies of care, of excitement, of experience, of pain and emotion and joy and pride. It is a project I take on and take with me and no one can take it away. It is part of who I am. and finally I se: It was me all along. And I can keep it in me, and it enriches me, and empowers me. And each project I do, each working project, and living project, each experience, it enriches me and it stays with me.
So the next time you find yourself in a position of doubting all there had been in your past? Stop. Look at the things that made you strong, that put a smile on your face, that made you proud. And realize, you have experienced so much, you are rich within. And take that richness in and grow upon.
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