How I realized the power of low self-confidence and how to find another way to live life
How I realized the power of low self-confidence and how to find another way to live life
People would tell me: “hey, you are so confident”, “you are really a beautiful human being”, “you are so skilled”, and so on. They gave me all these compliments. And I would take them, thank them and keep going my way. But then I realized that I did not believe in what they said. And it hit me that people can tell you a lot, but what matters is what we tell ourselves.
How I realized that something was off
I realized that something was off, when I was having a business dinner and before that dinner, a thought came to my mind: “Why would this person actually meet you? You have nothing to present? Why would they spend time with you?” And I felt a strongly emotional feeling of wanting to cancel the meeting as I felt I have to present something, I have to be like they want me to have, so that this would not be a waste of time for them.
Isn’t that odd? I dwelled in that feeling and I started to disentangle that thought: What does it tell me, when I lived by that belief? How did it show up and infiltrated my life in the past if that was the belief that was prevalent in all I did? Unconsciously?
I sat down and thought about some handful experiences in my past and I realized how much it indeed was inflicting my life.
How the low self-confidence had a toll on me
Going back to that business meeting, I was having, I realized that there had been many business meetings that went that way. I had the feeling I had to be super prepared, knowing everything, so I would prepare until late night, I would learn as much as I could, I would try to see different perspectives, and make sure that I have all the knowledge that my business partners could possibly ask, I had numbers prepared and so on. And then, in the meeting? I made sure that I showed them what I knew, I made sure that they have all they need, that they get all the information. And I tried to anticipate in the meeting: what do they want? What is important to them? How can I make sure that they have a good time? How can I adapt in such a way, that the meeting is a success for them?
Now you could say, well, isn’t that what a good business person does? Making sure that the other person is successful? That you make sure that they get what they ask for?
To some extend, sure, that is right. And a great preparation helps a lot for that. But what if all the preparation would not have been necessary? What if it would have been enough to listen a bit more first? And what if that adaptation and showing it all gave me the title of being a great information-gatherer, but not a truly respected advisor, as I was holding back parts of myself as I thought they would not like them, they would destroy the harmony of the meeting, but at the expense of challenging, showing new perspectives, gathering new information?
And what about this stress I put myself in by having to be “perfect” for them? Having to adapt? Can you be really free, when you are adapting to the other person or people in such a way, that you lose yourself? In a way that you adapt your answers in a way that it brings value to them, but at the expense of yourself? I truly doubt that.
And then I realized that these moments in business weren’t the only ones. When I was at a company in the past, at one point in time, I thought that they realized that I am “doing shitty work” and that “I am not as good anymore as they want me to have”, and I was almost ashamed, as I was not putting my 100%+ into that company and worked reletnlessly for them, but instead took some free time. I felt bad about it. And I felt, that that they would be thankful if I would leave the company, as I was the troublemaker, the complicated one, the one that was looking for innovation and moving forward, and pushing to drive faster and changing ways from within. And I decided to quit. I could not live up to what I was supposed to be doing and people noticed that about me. And I would just leave before they would do it themselves.
You may have guess what happened next. They were surprised. They could not believe it. They told me that they thought I would do a great job, they told me even years later that they thought I was brilliant in what I did, that they really liked working with me. And I did not understand the world. I fell out of that belief system and into a harsh truth. It wasn’t what they told me, but it was, what I told myself. The reason I quit there, was not that they ever told me that I was not the right person, but exactly the opposite. It was me who could not believe them, it was my mind that told me that I am not worthy of that position, that responsibility. And that is what made me leave that job.
And the more I go back into the past, the more of those situations and moments I could find. Moments in which I left a situation, a place, where nothing was problematic, which I enjoyed, but where I told myself, that something was off. And that it would be better to leave because the others would soon realize that too.
And then I realized how it infiltrated my personal life. I would do the same that I did in my professional life in my personal life as well. I had the thoughts that I need to act in a way that gives a positive feeling to others, to satisfy them. And so I would adapt, change, support what they think. And act in a way of what I thought was what they wanted me to be for them. And when I could not live up to that? Then I would cancel a meeting, moving inward, or feeling such a strong emotional reaction within, that I would soon try to re-create that coherence of adaption.
What it does to you if you do think and act that way
While I wrote down all these moments and situations that popped into my head, I felt unbelievably sad. But at the same time liberated. It is as if a window opened and let in some fresh air. The air of soft wind and the air of “hey, you can let that go”.
Because, hell, is that exhausting. It is like a bad dream you wake up from and realize. Puh, really? That adaptation, that hustling, that shying away, that thinking and ruminating. Was that all worth it? Where does it lead to? What does it do to yourself, when you do that for years? When it is infiltrating everything you do?
It is as if it is learning a new language, learning a new way of doing things, it is as if you open the red heavy curtain a tiny bit and say: “hey, maybe there is a different way!” Because if you stay in that old way of seeing the world and acting upon your beliefs, than whatever you do, it won’t bring you the results you hope to achieve. It will self-sabotage you big time. And when you want to have business success, it takes it away, when you want to have relationship success, it takes it away, if you want to have calmness, it takes it away. I felt like, yes, when I keep doing what I did. When I give that belief sufficient attention, it would never stop to infiltrate me.
It needs a new strategy, a new belief
It was time for a new strategy. A new way of seeing the world. And it was what I determined during that day. That I accepted that these thoughts will not go away, they will always be a part of me. But that they won’t be the driving force from within anymore. And that I would focus my attention on other things, positive things, things that I enjoy, that give me pleasure, that enrich me.
It was time for change. Change from within where I would start to listen more to myself. My own needs and sentiments. And I got more careful in finding out what to do, where to focus my attention on and where to deliberately say no as it would not treat me we.
It was time for new joy in life. Not the joy of immersing fully into the positive feeling of someone else and portraying and pushing their positive feeling, but to sense the joy of being true to myself. A new form of joy that comes from achieving my own objectives, and not only those of others, the joy of smelling the flowers and the joy of keeping my voice and not letting it merge into those of the people I spend time with.
It was a tough time. And it is a long change process. Ongoing. And with care to know my triggers that let me fall back to those beliefs and rumination and thought patterns that ask for my attention. But to keep my attention on the positive things in life, on things that excite me, that bring me joy, that let me feel energetic and full and enriched. Living life with intention and joy from within.
And what happens then? A lot. Step by step you peel away the layers that you built upon your true self. And you realize, oh wow, now I get to know me better, each day. I can feel and hear and touch myself and learn the triggers and how to stay within me. It is like that window, like the curtain, they open up wide and let it all in. And they relax. The wind of change, it brings freshness, it brings freedom. Freedom from one’s own shackles of mind and belief. And it frees up time. Lots of time that you can put inot endeavours you really care about, not because someone else enjoyed them, but because you do. And you can say what you want to say, because that is what you want to say in that moment. And you can stay in a career because you like that career and the responsibilities you have and use new strategies if your old ways of “I think they figured out that I am not good”-thoughts are popping up again. And you can decide to work on a relatinoship instead of turning around and going away because you think they figured you out and do not like you anymore for who you are. No, you can stay. And you can be liked for who you are.
It is a truly liberating feeling. A feeling you want to gift to everyone who hasn’t found it yet. You become more open, more kind, more caring and more curious. In a way, you become more of that person that others are looking you to be: an enriching and inspiring professional partner, a more beautiful loving partner. You achieve what you want to achieve by letting go of wanting to achieve it. And instead focus on how you want to show up in the world. How you want to live your life. To what you want to pay attention to. How you want to be showing up? What kind of person you want to be.
Do you like what you read? Then I would be very happy if you share your experiences with self-confidence and how you overcame low self-confidence if you ever struggled with it. :)