I love being curious, I love to learn about the world, about people, about who we are and what we do here on earth. But I realized that when I want to do it all, I am not doing anything — I am getting lost in the many, giving my mind an instant “oh wow, I learned something new” kick, but then a short after “oh no, I lost track of time and it is two hours later”. I learned that whatever I do, if I am not present, if I am not clearly focused on the task or moment or situation at hand, I lose it. And then the mind runs into a million things it loves to do.
And this goes for everything. It is about focus on the moment. On this one thing that you do right now.
Does it always need to be a huge, big “thing”? No. But it needs to be happening in the moment.
Here are some things I discovered to be distractions, even if some of them seem to be “the real shit”:
Checking my phone and seeing how many likes I got -> just eats time
Listening to an interesting podcast while eating lunch -> I eat much more than expected I need -> more problems to concentrate -> less productive -> it eats time
Working on my book and getting an amazing idea, stopping what I do and writing it down, think further about it -> switching costs = it eats time
Reading articles that help me be more “successful” -> helpful, but there is only one thing to be worked on NOW -> more than one idea = too much in my head = too much to process = it eats time
Any form of planning for things that can be done within 5–30 minutes -> planning takes longer than doing it -> it eats time
Wondering if I am “good enough” to do a task, insecurity and using that to let my mind run in circles -> if the mind runs, there is no presence in the here and now -> I do things half-hearted -> takes extra time -> eats time
A great new idea that pops up -> gets me excited -> gets me forgetting what I was doing right now -> time switching costs -> it eats time
Running and listening to a podcast -> depends -> what is your focus? Running or Podcast? -> I can do either or, not both when I truly want to listen -> Pick your focus -> Podcast or Running > if you can do one while doing the other automatically, you are ok -> if not? -> half -hearted listening -> slower jogging -> more hurts and -> content into your brain -> brain fogg -> less concentration during the day
Calling a friend and doing something else next to it -> your friend feels it -> the communication is off -> your friend feels less cared for -> the friendship may deteriorate -> doesn’t eat time -> but eats friendships -> and much more in the long-term
and so on…
I can continue that list indefinitely. Whenever there are two things at the same time, our brain is unsure what to do and gets distracted. As a result, we do neither.
Have you ever tried the exercise of being in your head?
I realized the immensily important element of mind focus when speaking with friends and people in general. I focus on the conversation at hand, but it is fascinating how often my mind slips away and things about “other things”:
Hmm, I still have to do my grocery shopping today.
Damn, I wanted to call my manicure studio, this is urgent and I forgot. Really need to do that after this conversation.
I wonder if she likes me, she is looking away from time to time.
This conversation is weird, I wonder why we have it, why she wanted to speak to me.
Oh, that car there is nice, the red one that is crossing on the other side of the street.
That guy looks fun, would love to talk to him right now.
and so on….
What is our brain doing in these moments? It is not there. It is somewhere else. Not in the here and now. And all the things that pop up may or may not be important, but as long as I do not decide to act on any of them, they are merely distractions. Distractions to not needing to focus on the task at hand. Maybe the conversation is not as exciting as we want it to be, maybe we want to do other things. Whatever it is, we have the choice to say: ok, let me say goodbye to that friend and say hi to that guy or to do my grocery. But if I don’t want to do it, it is the challenge to bring our mind back to the situation at hand. Otherwise? Otherwise we will have forgotten most of what was said in a split second, it will be difficult to build an emotional connection and the grocery shopping is also not done. We are only half-way there. And in that way, we do neither focus on the conversation with the friend fully nor have we said goodbye to focus on the grocery shopping. And then? The day is over and we may feel tiny piles of regret:
Hmm, I kind of liked talking to that friend, but I had so much to do
I wanted to get my grocery shopping done, but I talked that long to that friend that I missed doing that
I wanted to talk to that hot guy, but I wondered what my friend would have thought about it
What do we do with these piles of regret?
They pile up. One tiny regret after another. Day after day. Not because we regret the moments we had, but because we were not fully there. Because what did we do in the end, when we weren’t present? Nothing really, we feel detached. Detached from friends, because we were not really there. Detached from our work, because we were not fully there, detached from the grocery shopping, because we were running to the supermarket, jumping in during the last 5 minutes of it being open, smashing unhealthy stuff into our shopping caddy as we did not eat anything beforehand as were busy with talking to that friend longer than we wanted to, and then sitting at home, exhausted of the day, and eating junk food and watching TV. And the regret? it would pile up even more. We had all these plans! Where did they go? And the mind starts again while we watch TV: “I had all these plans, nothing worked today. I failed. I will never reach my goals.”
But is that true? What if the key ingredient is focus. Simple focus on the task at hand
But what if we focus? Irrespective of what it is? If we are there in the moment. If we do focus and care for what is happening in that moment. If we listen and be fully there?
We know what that friend wants us to tell, what is important to that friend, what she values, what is going on in her life. And we can relate to it in another conversation with her. We can ask her about it. We build a connection. A friendship.
We do our grocery shopping with focus. We made a list beforehand. We only buy what we want to buy. We feel good eating stuff we like that makes us feel good. OR we decide to not do the grocery shopping today because the friend is more important to us right now. Instead we order food online or move the task to another day. OR we decide to eat out instead together with the friend.
We excuse our friend for a second, put all our attention on this guy on the street and talk to him. Outcome unknown :D
Then we focus back on the conversation with our friend
It is this focus that let’s us connect, that gives us the bandwidth to do stuff we care about.
And of course that is not a 100% or 0% approach. Somedays it works great, and some other days, I make a mess out of it. The mind wanders, runs in circles and my attention os on thousand other things than the things I care about, the moment, the fully being there.
But I think we can practice that. And being aware of it is a first great step to get the juice running.
And then it actually is a lot of fun as well — learning how our mind ticks, when it gets sidetracked and when it finds ways to reduce it’s attention and focus on an activitiy. We can learn so much about it and have a short laugh, get our attention back to the moment we are in right now and build that deep connection to whatever we do.
Amen. Joke. No Amen. But I think it is what helps us keep sane, enjoy life and do not take things too seriously. We are all human and it won’t ever be perfect. But that is ok. As long as we enjoy the process and better get our attention focused on the things that matter to us.
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I’ve had that problem and can relate to this , thanks