How come that we get best in what we fear most? - For growth and for desaster?

Mar 14, 2024

There are two questions I wonder about: why do we often choose those activities that frigthen us the most and start loving them the most? And why may we also become our own self-fulfilling prophecy when we fear the most and try to avoid that fear?

Both questions are fear based, but one is bringing us to new heights while the other brings us to a worst place of ourselves.

Let’s first break that down by looking at some stories for both of these questions.

The story of the flight attendants fear of flying

Yesterday, I flew to New York City and I have always been panicking about flying. For that reason, I told the flight attendants about my sometimes a bit awkward behavior when flying and that I would be afraid. That normally helps them and me as well and is a great way to release some of the tension I feel while flying.

While I had a conversation with them in the back of the airplane, they separately from each other told me the following: “I was very afraid of flying before becoming a flight attendant”. After I asked why they chose the job of a flight attendant, one of them answered that she “wanted to visit all these amazing countries" and for that she needs to fly. The other wanted to face his fears and needed a job.

Interesting, isn’t it, how they both chose an occupation that needed them to face their fears not once but each day again.

Over time though, flying became part of their daily routine. They become used to it. And not only. They started to enjoy it, their fear disappeared and they are now those that help passengers like me going through the fear and arriving relaxed and less stressed.

They turned their fear into a superpower.

The story of the public speaking club success

Another story in that realm is my own one. I was always afraid of public speaking and speaking in front of others in general. I would duck away and hide. But I wanted to be able to speak on stage and give speeches and feel confident when speaking. And thus I knew I needed to do something to practice that. I decided to join Toastmasters, a public speaking club, to practice that. It took me a while to find the confidence to go there, but once I did, I fell in love with it. For 4,5 years I was managing the club in various leadership positions up till being a club supervisor for 4 clubs and a president. I loved it, I spoke each week, I practiced my skills. And became good at it. People came to me for mentoring and advice.

It is a similar story. I wanted to speak better and thus I looked for ways to make that happen. I joined the club and after a while my fear of speaking disappeared and it became normal. So much so that I started to love it. And this love did not leave, even several years after.

Now, let’s turn to two stories of fear, where it turns out to have negative effects.

The story of the money losing game

Another story I want to share is one of fear of losing. A friend of mine had decided to build a business in the real estate industry. She wanted badly to be successful and thus she started her business with trying to be successful. She did every activity she thought would bring her success, and every action that she heard would be successful.

But after a while she burnt out and did not earn any money, nor did she found a way to succeed in the way she intended to.

When I talked with her a year ago, she told me that she did not wanted to go on with that and that she missed understanding what she actualy wanted to achieve, but what surprised me is that one of her reasons for that business was “I want to earn more than I had earned before” and while I was doing that I felt like “I don’t want to lose money”.

It seemed that while she wanted to have her business succeed, her goal wasn’t a positive fulfillment goal but one of fear of losing. She was afraid she would lose money. And that is how she acted - she tried to figure out what to do to earn money fast, but at the same time her mind would tell her: make sure not to lose money. It felt like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The story of the images in our heads

I can partially relate to her experience, as I also know that image of “not losing money”. However, the story of the images in our heads is one related to that story of not losing money. It is about the power of NOT.

There are times where I have images in my head or you could say visual thoughts. It is when I like a guy a lot, I tend to have images/thoughts that share an image where I lose that person to someone else, or there may be that I want to invest in a program to uplevel my skills and I see the image that says: “If you do that, you may lose too much money” and so on. The importance of these images is that they have a goal. The goal of “not losing that person”, “making sure that this person is NOT lising their respect towards us”, of “not losing money”, of “not” being lonely.

What story do those stories tell?

What do these stories tell us? What secret do they behold?

When I look at them it is what I wrote before, the delicate difference of following a goal of growth and following a goal of NOT doing something.

Let’s decipher it:

When I want to travel places, but are afraid of flying. Well, I took the leap of faith and take on a job (going through my fear) to be able to travel places
When I want to speak better, I look for ways to improve that
When I want to NOT lose someone, I seem to losing someone
When I want to NOT lose money, I seem to be losing money

What do we learn from it?

I learned that goals that we set (willingly and unconsciously and unwillingly and unconsciously) for ourselves are goals, irrespective if there is a NOT or NO before the goal or not.

So when our goal is to NOT lose money, the goal automatically becomes TO lose money.

When the goal is to NOT lose that person, the goal automaticalls becomes TO lose that friend.

It is like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I want something, I do all to get it. Consciously or unconsciously.

Isn’t that crazy? But I think it makes sense. Because our mind cannot grasp the no, and so it focuses on the other parts of the sentence.

What does that mean for our goal setting approach?

When we set goals, we should set goals that are positive formulated.

I want to NOT lose the respect of the person I love → I want to share respect and care with those people I like → I can listen to what they say, I can give them a gift of what they like etc.

When we do that, we become more action-oriented in our approach of how to achieve our goals.

And how does that tie in to the fear discussion we had before?

The goals we set in our positive examples were:

I want to travel → I have to take a job that allowsme to travel → Ok, I want to travel to places far away, so I need to fly → But I am afraid of flying → Well, true, but I still want to travel → Ok, I have to go through this fear of flying and get used to it, so it disappears → Ok, lets do that. → Ouch, that hurts. → I know, but we can travel now → yes, true, ok, let’s continue → half year later… Well I love it! I can travel and my fear disappeared! :)

I want to speak to people with confidence → I join Toastmasters → Hmm, yes, but I am afraid of it, like all these people → well, but if you do not do it, you won’t be learning how to speak with confidence → ok, I get it, I have to go through that fear -< yes, I guess you have to → Ok, let’s go there. → Half year later… Well I love it! I can speak on stage and my fear got smaller! and sometimes it is not there at all! :)

How can we combine that approach with the newly created goals we developed earlier?

Let’s take the examples again:

I want to NOT become lonely → I want to find friends an have fulfilling friendships → with that positive reframing, I can find strategies of how to achieve that → I want to reach out to 5 new people, I want to go to that networking event and there I want to exchange contact details with at least one person that I find interesting and like to get to know more about → but I am afraid to speak to people → well, but if you want to meet new people, you need to speak to them, start small, just say hi and wait → ok, well let’s do that → half year later: Oh, wow! I found so many new friends!

(Note: One aspect that we do not touch upon in this article are the strategies we can choose to find new friends - sometimes our goals are great, but what we need to change are our strategies of how to approach and achieve our goals, like approaching people differently, listening more compared to speaking etc)

I want to NOT lose money → I want to earn money in a way that I can sustain myself in the city I live in and have some extra to save → this amounts to x€/$ → How do I achieve that? → I find a job, I build a business next to it, I need x nr of clients that each pay my x€/$ per month etc. → But I am afraid to reach out to clients, I do not have anything to sell, I have imposter syndrom → Ok, how can you overcome that? → I can reach out anyways → Yes, we can do that, let’s try and see what happens → Arghhhh… that feels frightening -< I know, but go for it, it will get easier after the first time → Aghh… → Ok, let’s try it small → Can you reach out to one person? → yes, I can → Ok, fantastic, do that then and I support you! → A half year later: A lot of progress has been made to earn money and get paid for your skills and services

I want to NOT lose the respect of the person I love → I want to share respect and care with those people I like → I can listen to what they say, I can give them a gift of what they like etc. → But what if they find that weird ——

I think you get it. the talk that we have in our heads about how we have those fears that hold us back to achieve our dreams, but when we turn our goals into positive goals, we are already gaining a lot of clarity.

Thus, take the following three steps into account, when you want to set goals that let you achieve more and overcoming those fears, that hold you back.

Goal setting & Overcoming Fears Approach

Turn your NOT Goals into positive Goals. Do this with all the goals and fears you have. Everything should be a positive goal. And whenever you find a NOT, or a negative goal, turn it around into a positive one
List down all the things, fears, issues that keep you from achieving your goals. Like “I don’t know how to talk to people”, “I don’t know how to find my first 5 clients”, …
List down strategies you can do to overcome your fear or lack of skills for the fears that hold you back. Like the flight attendants taking on jobs that literally force them to overcome their fears
Try the strategies out. If they work and you have a positie experience that brings you closer to your goals: fantastic. If not, try a new strategy. BUT be aware: DO NOT, and here i mean NOT, question your goals or fears (if you carefully worked on steps 1-3), but change your strategies instead. You may be surprised how many people (including me) failed into the trap of changing goals altogether, when it wasn’t the goal that failed but the strategy that you used to achieve that goal
The more you try out and experiment, the more fun it may become. You are tapping into your intentional power of achieving your dreams and that is always a great way to tap into your full potential and enjoying it. So go for it and good luck!

I hope you enjoy what you read!

If you want to dive deep onto your goal setting, reach out and let’s work on your goals together. :)

A Curious Mind

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