I changed jobs frequently, left relationships often and hided behind closed walls. I felt it was my excitement for new things (and believe me, I am super curious), my eagerness to learn more, to explore it all. And there are pieces that are all of that. But there is an underlying layer, difficult to grasp, that tells a different story. The story of self-sabotaging, the story of imposter syndrom, the story of low self-trust and self-esteem. An inner deeply ingrained feeling that this can’t be it, if it is too easy, that that what I do is not enough, that brilliance will fail its turn a second time, that I am not enough to be loved and cared for and worked with. That it is not what I can achieve.
Do you know these feelings of inadequacy? They are normally deep and with time, we develop many layers that make it almost impossible to spot the reason we behave in a specific way that is triggered by these feelings but claimed to be different. We can tell ourselves over and over again that we are valuable, we can tell ourselves to let go of the deep-rooted fear, we can work and work and work until we fall apart, and we can practice to change what we believe. But will it change? Will it give to us what we long but never felt? Will it give to us what we want so deeply but autopilot is sabotaging us big time? Can we give it to us, when we fail to see it ourselves? When it is so ingrained, that it takes deep reflection to find its tail ends and grab them and get them out of our head, where like an octupus and spider web in one it has spun its web? Where it ingrained us in every sense with the sense of unworthiness. Or one cold say worthiness of its own. The one, that to the web sounds great, but to ourselves, is nothing but a big clunky fail.
So what is it? How does it show?
Let’s take a professional situation. I am at my job and just a short time after having started, my manager tells me that I am great at what I do and we will shorten the probation phase. A couple of months later, I found myself dealing with some difficult experiences in my position and for some other reasons, I decided to quit the job and do something else. When I told my colleagues about it, they were surprised and found it sad that I felt the job. And within me, I was surprised. I thought to myself: “Really? They liked me? They thought I did a brilliant job? I thought they already figured out that I am not a good person. That I am not working well.” I was genuinely surprised. And in hindsight, the decision to leave the job and the stories I told myself of why I should leave become weird, unclear, and disappointing. Another time, I had a meeting to tell colleagues of how they should do specific things, what I wanted them to do things. I knew exactly what I wanted them to do, I knew what I was missing in their performance, what I would do. But instead of just saying it, I felt inadequate, I felt weird, I was telling myself internally: “who am I to tell them what they have to do, who am I to show them how it is done, they probably know much better than I do, I feel weird doing that.” And I did not . Was that serving me well? Definitely not. Instead, I told myself that I do not like that job, that this is not what I wanted, that something is missing. That maybe I wanted something else. There is some truth in that too, of course, but these underlying thoughts, these underlying patterns — what if I had chosen a different path? A path where I at least tried to say what was within and in that way figured then out whether the job fits me or not? Or even would have tried to find a different solution? Instead, I fleed. I ran away. I made a hard cut. And believe me, I made many hard cuts in my life before. Instead of trying to bring it all together, I would make cut after cut and after cut. And not a small cut, but a big one. A new industry, a completely new field. Before I would take the win and benefits and fruits, I would have already moved onwards to something else. Not settling, not calming down, always on the run, always on the go.
But what if there is a different way?
What if there is a different way? What if all that is ingrained within is there, for sure, but it is on you and me and all of us, who have these feelings, to let them go? To find ways to build our trust. To find ways to let go of what holds us back and makes us small and tells us: “You are no good”, “You are of no worth”, “That what feels easy is too easy”, “I was just lucky ending up there”, “I have nothing to offer”, “Everyone knows that, that is not special”, “They will soon find out that I am weird and not lovable”, “Why do they treat me like a princess, that feels weird”, “I don’t know anything”, “I am not made for that kind of career and success” and so on. These sentences are deeply troubling, they rob you of your beauty, they rob you of all you are. They take away without giving you a chance to try and they let you sabotage your own success. They are deeply sad. Sad to have a human being in front of you that is capable, and strong, and beautiful and instead of seeing it bloom and grow and share its gifts, it is going to be invisble, hiding behind the wall and wilt in the soft gaze of the wind. It becomes invisble, and its talents will not see the light of day, its talents will not enrich our world and be given as a gift to the world to be shared and passed on and experienced for us all to get inspired, affected and motivated to do the exact same thing.
How beautiful and enriching is it to see a human being coming alive? To see all the beauty and quirks, the talent that is shining into the world, the craft that is creating something new, the way it treats us to inspire us to be kind and strong and brave as well, the smile and spark it feels within. The beauty of living in true grace, and genuinety, and richness and from within. To share what is within an dshare it with the world.
But why is it so difficult for us to live it in ourselves?
We have it all within. What comes and shines to the world is what we do. We shine into the world, we share what is within, we thrive and engage and take part, and dive in and figure out and go with our joy and energy and excitement. I love that quote from Howard Thurman:
Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
I love that quote, as it reflects our innate need to come alive, to do what we enjoy. But often it is big and huge and gives us the feeling of I need that big thing that makes me come alive. But what if it is the small things that make us come alive? You make yourself a cup of coffee and realize that you like that, that it gives you energy, that it excites you? Then drink another cup the next day again. After a week, you feel it is making you sick? Then drink a bit less and find a balance of it giving you energy and it giving you sickness. Or you love to try playing basketball. Then go and try it out and if you like it, then do more of it, if not, then let it go again.
It is difficult to go by joy, but I believe that there is a beauty in it, that helps to lose the strength of self-doubt within. You will be so busy following your joy, that there is no time to focus on the self-doubt from within. And if it does, acknowledge it, and let it go.
There is a poem I love deeply as well — it is from Theodor Fontane and talks about the proudness we can feel within to do what we are proud from within. It is beautiful as it shows us that when we feel trapped in the layers within, the thoughts that are flying around, the things we tell ourselves, that when we follow our proudness, we are more willing to go past the fear and unworthiness we feel within.
And it is this going with our innate joy, going with what we feel gives us pleasure and allows us to grow, that with time, step by stel by step, let us let go of that weird feeling that pops up and up and up, but at some point, it is less there, it accepted, that there is a new reality.
Is it really that simple to let go?
No, it is not. It is damn hard. It is like peeling an onion. Layer for layer you reveal more of what is within. And then, in the darkest of those corners, deep down, you find that shy, sad, anxious being, that is hiding there, and that is sabotaging itself big time, as it is in that space and has not been nurtured from the start. It is afraid, it is fearful, it is nude and covered in grey ashes. It is there and looks away, it is there and cramps and makes itself small with a buckling back and crunchy grace. It is there and is not love. It is abandoned and hard to grasp. But what if you find it there, and take it out. If you gently calp its arm, ask it to turn around and you look you in the eye. When you hold its hand and say, with your eyes staring at the cold bleak eyes of sadness and suffering and pain and say “Hey, it is all good. Let’s heal what has been done to you. Let’s heal what has made you fearful and anxious and sad. I am here for you, and I take care of you now.” And you do this once, twice, three times. Every time you tab it, talk well to it and show that it does not need to be afraid. And then, one day, it turns around. It takes your hand and you walk out of that grey dark room and through the open door into the light that shines bright and shows another way. And that being, it is still afraid, but it gets new hope, it feels the warmth of the sun, it feels how its wounds are healing, the grey of its naked, thin arms and legs is crunchy and it is time to let it go. You wash it and clean it. And you begin to show it your world.
You go to an ice cream truck and buy two ice cream scones, one for you and for it to try it too. You treat it well, you give it a blanket to feel warm and a warm porridge to get strong within. You give it a bed to sleep. And you show it your world. Step by step by step, you take it with you. What will it like? You try it out. And what will it give it joy? Will it like what you do? Will it feel sad how you live. Will it get excited about something you try? You take great care of it. You make sure it is happy. That it shines and sparkles from within. That with each step it is growing strong and more beautiful and more alive. That those eyes you saw in the darkness of this cold room get bright again and shine and sparkle. That you feel the joy it portrays from within. That it loves the world. That you can let it go and fly and explore on its own. And when it gets home, you give it a warm soup again, you listen to the stories it ought to tell, you get excited about the warmth it portrays and you realize, it has been you all along. It has been you that you trapped inside and it is you that took your being on the hand, guided you carefully through the door and nurtured you to give you the joy and proudness and excitement that you craved. And you let yourself free to fly and explore the world. You freed yourself from within.
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